Are We Almost There Yet?

Don't shoot the puppy

2006-03-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

Tough little puzzle game. Try not to shoot the puppy. I could never get past level 4. (We're watching my sister-in-law's poodle puppy and I think that has something to do with it)

LINK

Update: It's pretty ironic that I link to some viral before boingboing does the day before I quit my cubicle surf all day job. If I had only kept working for crap in a shitty environment I could make a name for myself on the interweb!!

More toony goodness

2006-03-20T07:35:00.000-08:00

Great chicken toons on post-it notes.

LINK (via Neatorama)

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2006-03-19T12:54:00.000-08:00

I found out that as a temp I was making more than the permanent employees I work with. I found out there is no future in my cubicle job. I found out I have an opportunity to make a great living running my own company. I'll be doing exploratory drilling, looking for minerals or basically anything worth mining. So I quit the cubicle job. My last day is Thursday. Part of my new job will involve driving around in the woods, and towing large pieces of equipment. The Honda Accord I have been driving will not be up to the task. So yesterday I bought a truck. A great big ol' Alabama Redneck truck, though Carfax tells me this truck originally came from California. Wanna see it? Ok, here it is:

That's a big truck. Really big. Both of the kids need help getting into it. I feel like a redneck driving it, but I do like it. I'm ready to go do some muddin'. There's a diamondplate toolbox in the bed and even a winch up front. Four wheel drive, of course. Towing package, even a Mopar thingy to activate brakes on a trailer.

Since I'm leaving the cube, I'll probably not be posting so much anymore. I'll be reconditioning drill trucks and driving around in the woods.

At the dealership yesterday they gave SD a huge pink balloon. She loved it. Driving away I said, "Do you like my new truck?"

She said, "Uh-huh. But my ballon is prettier. It's all about priorities, I guess.

Toons

2006-03-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

I have long considered cartoons to be a valid art form. It's nice when a friend who actually knows something about art likes 'em too. And emails me links to great toons. Check 'em out!

LINK [thanks K(h)ara!]

Motion Denied Because You're An Idiot

2006-03-06T18:58:00.000-08:00

In what is surely a first for the federal judiciary, a Texas bankruptcy judge has quoted from the Adam Sandler film canon in a recent opinion.

LINK

Live Action Simpsons intro

2006-03-06T08:02:00.000-08:00

Pretty neat, and well done.

LINK

Tempest in a teapot

2006-03-04T08:57:00.000-08:00

All kinds of people are up in arms over the above picture. Maybe because it ran on the front page of the Bryan-College Station Eagle and it looks like the guy's dingdong is flopping out. There was so much of a uproar that the editor felt compelled to write a full page disclaimer explaining how it's a trick of optics and angles.

Well, he's right. The guy's dingdong is not on display, but it sure looks like it. But don't try and tell me that no one noticed what it looks like before the pic ran. That's bull. So why run it in the first place? The editor answers that question rather snidely, stating that they sold out of that edition. Of course, he says that no one noticed what the picture appeared to show before press time. Sorry, I'm just not credulous enough to believe it.

I can however see them noticing, making sure it's not what it seems, and deciding to run the pic as a no-fault way of selling a crapload of papers. Which they did. I don't know if that's unethical, sleazy or just good business sense, but I know it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Google Video Easter Egg

2006-03-02T12:49:00.000-08:00

Go to google video with moderate safe search on and search for 'hardcore porn.' (And no, I did not discover this on my own, I'm at work!)

Or if you're lazy...LINK

Precocious

2006-03-01T06:10:00.000-08:00

Angry fat women are funny.

2006-02-28T12:25:00.000-08:00

LINK

The trickle down effect is alive and well

2006-02-28T06:52:00.000-08:00

Last week my pop-in-law bowed to pressure from his wife and bought one of them big ol' Tvs. Something like a 5000 inch rear projection quadrophonic liquid plasma lava enhanced home entertainment system. One of those that requires the purchase of an additional piece of furniture just to hold it up (some assembly required). The stand even has a seatbelt to attach it to the Tv, so if one gets knocked over by an errant grandchild, they'll both go down. Of course, the setup also required the assistance of a helpful son-in-law. Assembly was a masculine adventure that went off with no real hitches.

Because the Tv/stand combo is large enough to generate its own gravitational field, the living room needed to be rearranged to prevent chairs and small objects from getting drawn in, sticking to the set and thereby voiding the warranty on the seatbelt. Rerouting cable through the crawlspace and up through a fresh hole in the floor was also called for and accomplished with very little blood, a little more sweat, and lots of tears, but the tears were just because Extreme Home Makeover was on in the other room. Finally everything was set up, hooked up and ready to go. We put on dark glasses for protection from the glow and fired that sucker up. Worked great. Mission accomplished.

Until I made a mistake. I pointed to the old Tv, a thirty-something inch jobbie that was made out something closely resembling iron in weight/density sitting on the floor and asked, "Where do you want to go with that one?" Cue dramatic suspense music.

Mom-in-law spoke up, "Just put that one in our bedroom."

So we went in there to scope out the territory. The bedroom's current Tv sat on top of a chest-of-drawers approximately twelve feet high topped by a wobbling stack of electronics (cable box, VCR, DVD, that sort of thing) all held in place by a spider's web of patch cables and extension cords. This Tv was slightly smaller and not much lighter than the living room Tv. Instead of going with my idea, which was to disassemble everything using a block and tackle and a team of trained monkeys, it was decided instead to let me do it whilst perched on a ridiculously lightweight step-stool.

At long last everything was reduced to individual components. Then, using sophisticated lifting equipment (our backs) pop-in-law and I hoisted the old living room Tv to its new home atop the chest-of-drawers. Then I painstakingly reassembled the ancillary components. By painstakingly I mean I hooked up the wires and tossed them basketball style at the top of the Tv. Mission accomplished.

Except not so much. Turns out the bedroom Tv needed to go to the bathroom. I call it a bathroom because it does contain a toilet and a shower, but it also has a hottub, a walk-in closet, a long counter dressed up as the world's biggest vanity and various pieces of exercise equipment. Oh, and a Tv. This one, saints be praised, set on top of an end table. It was slightly smaller, older, and not much lighter than the bedroom Tv. This switch was easily made. Mission accomplished.

Not so fast. Starting to see a pattern here? Bathroom Tv needs to go to the guest bedroom in the basement. So we lift and stagger through the house, clear to the other end and down a level to the guest bedroom. Here we found a twenty-something inch set from way back in the day. It had dials, as in "Don't touch that dial!" We made the switch, being careful not to touch the dials. Mission accomplished?

We moved old old Tv to a closet, apparently the bottom rung in the in-law's Tv hierarchy. I grabbed wife and left, a little weaker, but much wiser about the hidden dangers inherent in large electronics purchases.

My New Favorite Blog

2006-02-24T11:39:00.000-08:00

LINK

Not Much of a Gentleman

2006-02-22T09:11:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong that when I was just standing at the shared printer waiting on a lady to get out of my way, she dropped about a ream of printouts and my first thought was, "Shit I guess I'll have to help her pick those up."

The new game

2006-02-20T20:44:00.000-08:00

A while back I posted about needing a new game while in the car with three year old SD. The game at the time involved informing red lights they should be green at maximum volume until they changed to suit us. Well, SD and I have found one thing to distract our attention on the way home from school.

There is a pediatric center that is under renovation on our route, and every day we start wondering a couple of blocks away whether there are men working on the building today. It has really gotten SD's attention because she wants to be a baby doctor when she grows up. Now that she knows that that building is where baby doctors work she has a vested interest to make sure that the renovation proceeds smoothly. So it is with maximum attention that we approach the building, and it is with great joy that we confirm that there are workers there, working on the baby doctor building.

But recently the family as a whole has developed some new entertainment when we're all in the car together. If you remember your childhood or have children of the right age you will be familiar with the diarrhea song.

"When you're sliding into home
and your pants are full of foam
diarrhea, diarrhea"

So our entertainment consists of trying to make up new verses to this classic song. Some of our faves follow here.

Seven year old SS:
"When you're swinging with a monkey
and you feel something chunky
diarrhea, diarrhea."

Me:
"When you go joggin'
and you start prairie doggin'
diarrhea, diarrhea."

Wife:
"When you're riding down the road
and you feel a juicy load
diarrhea, diarrhea."

Three year old SD:
"When you see a house
and you hear sumpin white
diarrhea, diarrhea."

Maintenance

2006-02-16T21:54:00.000-08:00

I decided to reorder Good Stuff and Web Stuff in the order that I usually click. My faves at the top. Just so you know.

3 strange things about me

2006-02-15T18:59:00.000-08:00

There were many to choose from, but I narrowed the list down.

1. I always follow the lines in parking lots. I never go cutting diagonally across lanes, even if the lot is completely empty. We're trying to have a civilization here people. Rules should be followed.

2. I absolutely cannot stand the sound of liquid pouring into a glass. It's tolerable if I can see it, but if it's a radio commercial or if the guy in the next cubicle is pouring a coke it drives me up the freakin wall. It's worse than nails on a chalkboard. It instantly drives me into a fist-clenching silent rage. I don't know why.

3. I will never buy a car from Kar World, or eat a meal at the Kountry Kitchen, or get a soda from the Kwik Stop. And it's not just the C-K transposition, any words intentionally mispelled for cuteness or whatever reason bug the hell out of me. Instant personal boycott. I will not support these people in their misguided notions.

Piggy personality

2006-02-14T11:05:00.000-08:00

Normally I don't go in for personality quizzes, but when you get to draw a pig on the computer I'll bite. That's my pig, he thinks I'm pretty cool.

LINK (via AYNtK)

Then again...

2006-02-13T12:31:00.000-08:00

I normally keep politics to myself, but then again, isn't it strange to have a VP that shot his friend in the face with a shotgun?

(Image stolen from boingboing)

Speaking of a time suck...

2006-02-09T22:07:00.000-08:00

If you've ever made maps for Half-Life 2 and you like Rube Goldberg machines this is the video for you.

LINK

What's it like when every lane of an Atlanta bypass has someone driving the speed limit? Rolling roadblock!

LINK

Are you icky, are you sticky?

2006-02-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

I have a theory, and so far it's been working out pretty well for me. My theory concerns the immune system and how to make it work for you. I think your immune system needs exercise and is weakened by supplements. I think your immune system needs to be exposed to germs, because that's how it produces antibodies. I think antibiotics short circuit the system and will ultimately lead to more sickness.

Don't get me wrong, I have taken antibiotics, and will continue to do so whenever I am severely ill, but that sort of occasion has only come up once in the last ten years for me. Of course I get sick, like everyone else, but unlike everyone else my immune system is a powerhouse and my sickness is generally less pronounced and of shorter duration than anyone else around me.

For example, our family has been passing the stomach funk around since the beginning of the year. Everyone has been laid low by it, but of course not at the same time. It involves fever, headaches, nausea, and diarrhea. It has lasted for two days for everyone. Except me, hahaha. I ran a high fever for one day and night, with none of the other symptoms (except the d-word). Everybody has had it twice, except for me. If I don't post in the next few days perhaps karma is giving me a righteous beat down for being so confident.

But seriously, the way your immune system works is by developing antbodies to germs it is exposed to. If it is never exposed to germs, you will be up the creek when a bad one comes along. Right? Right. Shut up, my crackpot theory has anecdotal evidence.

Anecdotal evidence!

I don't get sick as much as those around me, that's a fact. When I do, it doesn't last as long as it would for others. Also a fact. And by fact I mean "something believed to be true or real" (answers.com). And it's not like I do anything crazy like "take care of myself" or "exercise."

Of course it could be that I'm just generally sick all the time, and just don't really notice the passing virus. You know, just a small difference in degree, not in kind. I'd ask a doctor, but I haven't seen one since I drop-kicked the bathtub faucet falling down a year or two ago.

Do you have what it takes to cut it at Google?

2006-02-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

This is a pleasant little waste of time that I spent just about all day on. Build a sucessful career at Google. Change your mind with the back button, unless you get fired. Then you have to start all over.

LINK

Coupla things

2006-02-03T08:31:00.000-08:00

1. There is never a good time for food commercials on TV. I am either hungry, in which case I get mad because I'm not eating that food, or I'm full, and seeing food when I'm stuffed makes me sick.

2. One of the unexpected things about being married is that in a two car family it seems like one car always needs gas.

Certain wasps give roaches mind control lobotomies. LINK

Teach yourself to count in binary on your hands. 5 is my favorite number. LINK

Do You Remember?

2006-02-01T17:54:00.000-08:00

I remember a long long time ago the family would go to Wendy's. It wasn't just another fast food place then. There was always a wait, and they had the best sweet tea in town. I was endlessly fascinated with the tabletops that were a collage of ads from the 1800's. There was even a waitress dressed up like Wendy. Going to eat there was always an event. Not as good as going to Country's BBQ, but no one could compete with the 10 foot tall rocking chair Country's had.

Looking back on the strange and random memories I carry with me from childhood makes me wonder what events in our daily life are going to stick with our kids throughout their lives.

Hopefully tonight will be one of those memories that last a lifetime. Wife and I are going to cover ourselves in fake blood and lay in death positions, then scream loudly to wake the kids. Then when they're all crying and stuff we will laugh and laugh at them. And point at them crying, that's important, I think.

Thanks for the songs K(h)ara

2006-02-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

Three year old SD's favorite songs:

Crazy Train by Black Sabbath

Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash

If I Had a Million Dollars by The Barenaked Ladies

She can sing them word for word.

Work email put to good use

2006-01-27T12:04:00.000-08:00

Goodbye

Today will officially be my last day with [my company]. I have chosen to pursue career opportunities with another company. I wanted to personally tell each one of you that you have made my time at [my company] enjoyable and educational. Each of you have impacted my career in a positive direction and I wanted to say Thank You! I'll miss each of you, wish you all the best and continued success. Take care and God Bless Always!!
Glenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: Goodbye
Good luck

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re:Goodbye
Bye Glenda, good luck. Hope you love you new job.

Keep in touch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re:Goodbye
Quick everyone click REPLY ALL and flood everyone's inboxes (evil grin)

Later Glenda, good luck with your chosen path.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re:Goodbye
GOOD LUCK GLENDA WE WILL MISS YOU!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re:Goodbye
You've been wonderful to work with...Good Luck!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re:Goodbye
STOP REPLYING TO ALL Please

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re:Goodbye
you go girl, good luck and sure have enjoyed working with you and the old days and new. keep in touch

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re:Goodbye
Everyone,

These emails are going out to over 1,000 people every time you hit "Reply All".
DO NOT REPLY ALL.

If you want to wish Glenda well, please call her or email her directly.
DO NOT REPLY ALL

DO NOT REPLY ALL

--Sr. IT Manager

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re:Goodbye
SO YOU'RE SAYIN WE SHOULDN'T REPLY TO ALL?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re:Goodbye
Good Luck Glenda!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re:Goodbye
=(

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone,
I apologize for this one last email, but evidently there are people who still just don't get it. These emails are not business related and are inhibiting productivity company-wide. REPLY ALL is to be used carefully. I will disable and contact the management of anyone disrupting the companies business practices further.
Grand High Mucky-muck,
Director of IT Technology and Infrastructure.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All

PLEASE STOP sending these good bye wishes to Glenda, you are all LOCKING UP our email server.
If you want to wish someone goodbye then send a personal requst.
Your accounts will be disabled if this does not stop immediately.

I have notified the VPs of each of your areas that we are requesting this be stopped immediately, we will be forced to shut down all email as a next step, please stop now.

Ms. Mucky-muck
Vice President of IT

You don't want to know

2006-01-27T06:16:00.000-08:00

why I haven't posted anything this week. Will try to catch up soon. Meanwhile...

Ahh-hahahahahahahahaha!!!111shift-oneshift-one!!11

I always get the shaft in bed

2006-01-20T22:42:00.000-08:00

Not like what you think, you perverts.

Wife and I have a big bed, but it's not big enough. She likes to sleep slantwise. I get a small slice of the bed, usually about hip wide (and I have narrow hips.) That leaves a shoulder hanging out in the open air. Sometimes I push her really hard to move her over. It works because she does sleep pretty heavily.

My problem is not really that she's a bed-hog, though she is. It's really a problem in my mind. I have been single for most of my life, after all. If anyone is going to sprawl across the bed in reckless abandon, by God it should be me.

But no, I find myself cuddled, spooned against by this woman I love. And I do love her very much but I also find myself looking longingly at all the empty bedspace on the other side of her.

Occaisionally one of the children has a bad night and joins us in bed. Do you think that this would bring about some spreading out in the bed, some...I don't know...rational use of the bedspace? If you do you are still single and have a lot to learn. No, we all end up piled in a very narrow area, my arms going to sleep, pinned under the weight of loved ones.

I'd like to say that it is a weight I bear gladly because my love for them outweighs all physical discomforts, but really, come on. It's like 2:00 in the morning, and I want nothing more than to get some sleep. Some spread out, sprawled out sleep in a big ol bed.

Sleeping bags have more room than I get in our queen size bed.

Now ask me if I'd trade it for my life as a single man...go ahead, ask me.

Wal Mart Copyright BS

2006-01-17T16:59:00.000-08:00

So I was recently married. It was a bit of a budget affair, and our photographer was a friend of ours. After the wedding, she took the film to Wal Mart to have the photos developed, in my name. I picked up the pictures in paper and digital form on CDs that Wal Mart burned for me.

So far so good. Since one of the photos was a good one of all four of us wearing our finery Wife and I decided to use it for our Christmas cards. So we took advantage of Wal Mart's online store. We uploaded the pic, ordered 50 or so prints using one hour photo to be picked up here in our town. They came out great and we were happy. We made some good looking Christmas cards by the way.

So here we are. Mom is meeting her old college roomate for lunch tomorrow. She can't find her copies of the wedding pics, or her Christmas card. She also does not have a photo printer, and she called me yesterday a little upset. No problem, I said. I went back to Wal Mart's online store, ordered up some more prints to go to the Wal Mart near Mom. Got my confirmation email and boomp, there we go.

Except not so much. When Mom got there today they refused to release the pic to her, because they said it infringed on a copyright. WTF? I own these pics!

Refer to the Terms of Use:

Photo Center Copyright Policy
Walmart.com will not assist in the copying of a photograph that is signed, stamped, or otherwise identified by any photographer or studio as copyrighted material, or any photograph that appears to have been taken by a professional photographer or studio, even if it is not marked with any sort of copyright, unless we are presented with a signed Copyright Release. Negatives or digital images of a copyrighted image will be retuned to you unprinted and you will be provided instructions on how to present Walmart.com with a signed Copyright Release. In addition, Walmart.com will not assist in the copying of any state or federal document, including but not limited to, driver's licenses, passports, and social security cards.

(The highlights are mine, the rest is directly pasted from their terms of use)

So, apparently, it is up to the sole discretion of the person behind the counter whether a photo is too good for them to print. And that is what they mean. If the man/woman behind the counter thinks the photo looks too good, they will not print it. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Also, I am not sure how exactly they plan to "retune" my photo to me, or what exactly that means, but they have not done it yet. Not to mention, I had no notice that they would not print my photos, not until Mom called me after spending 10-15 minutes at their counter and I got on the phone with their "associate."

As far as the Copyright Release instructions, I need to have a signed release by the copyright holder on their official letterhead. Now I'm not sure how that would work. Since number one, there is no copyright holder, and number two, our photographer has nothing approaching a letterhead. She is just a friend who helped us out. And what is she supposed to sign over anyway? The rights to IMG17.jpg? Still saved under the name Wal Mart gave the pic when they burned it on to a CD!

And why should I have to do this anyway? After all, Wal Mart developed the pictures, for me, in the first place. Then they reprinted the photos again, for me, with no problems. Then I send it to a different store and am suddenly denied my pictures based on the photo center associate's perceived "copyright infringement."

These people have my name and shopping habits in a database, I am sure. Could they not use this information to actually serve their customers? Wouldn't the fact that I have used the same credit card for all three purchases show up somewhere? Maybe their defense would be they can prove that I bought an IMG17.jpg, but not this IMG17.jpg. In that case how would my Copyright Release prove anything?

This policy is intentionally vague, to cover their corporate ass, I assume. And what gets lost is the consumer. I can hear all of you out there, What do you expect when you go to Wal Mart? Truthfully, not much. I hate the place, and have only used their photo center because of time constraints and a lack of other options in this town. I actually worked there about 15 years ago, and I know first hand how they treat people who can't make an appreciable effect in their business plan. They cover up their policy of treating all their workers like slaves by titling them "associates" and pretending they matter in corporate decisions. Of course, in this case the associate does matter. They have subjective say over which photographs "appear" professionally made and which do not, and of course, if the shit hits the fan the associate will be the one holding the bag.

And I really would not be surprised at this treatment as a customer if they had not been involved in every step of the production of these photographs. I believe even the film initially came from there. It is ironic to me that this business can and will get away with treating their customers like this. The very people they oppress are the ones that have made them as huge as they are.

Additionally, I feel like this is yet another example of a consumer being screwed by copyright law. Again and again these days we see instances of copyright law working to benefit big business, at the cost of the consumer and even the artists they purport to protect.

Daddy, what's the internet for?

2006-01-13T20:25:00.000-08:00

I had forgotten what the internet is for. Thank goodness these folks came along to remind me.

LINK

Oh Cy, we hardly knew ye

2006-01-13T10:36:00.000-08:00

The latest internet craze is Cy, the poor noseless cyclops kitten that lived start to finish on Dec. 28. He is being immortalized with poetry and works of art. Truly this is a glorious age we live in.

In commemoration of his doomed little existence, Jupiter-190 offers us this poem:

Cy, you are with one eye

in heaven

where the other intelligently designed mistakes

swim, dance, and lie

down to sleep on beds of snifflegrass

You don't need a nose in heaven, Cy.

You don't need that extra eye, Cy.

Jesus will help you so don't cry, Cy.

I've always wanted to know

2006-01-12T11:24:00.000-08:00

How far is it from Homer's house to Moe's? How long would it take Bart to skateboard from school to the Springfield Gorge?

Well now all your Springfield geographical questions are answered. (Except what state it's in)

LINK

Green ham and eggs, anyone?

2006-01-12T06:08:00.000-08:00

Scientists in Taiwan have bred three pigs that glow flourescent green in the dark. They say it's a breakthrough in stem cell research. Proves that truth is stranger than fiction. Unless you're James Frey.

Pig Story

Frey Lies

Good Morning

2006-01-10T18:57:00.000-08:00

I got to work at 7:00 this morning. Unfortunately I did not actually become conscious until around 10:00. At some point I went staggering to the bathroom, carrying my dirty coffee cup. I'm not sure why, I may have had some vain hope that ghosts of caffiene past would bring me around.

Walking into the bathroom I came face to face with one of my managers walking out. I'll call him Mark, because that's his name.

"Good morning Mark, how are you?" Not too bad for a sleepwalker.

"I'm good, how are you?" He said. We're passing each other at this point.

"You," I said. And the door shut between us.

As a mark of my addled state, I did not realize that anything might be amiss about our exchange until I suffered a moment of lucidity sitting in the stall, pants around my ankles and still holding a dirty coffee cup.

Apparently sleep deprivation brings out the echolalia in me.

Speaking of...

2006-01-05T21:56:00.000-08:00

This is one of the best posts by anyone I've read in a long time.

LINK

Why even argue?

2006-01-05T20:02:00.000-08:00

I know that rational well-conceived arguments are necessary to the learning process, that they serve some higher purpose in the greater scheme of things.

But if you have no interest in what the opposing side has to say, and KNOW that there is nothing they can say to change your mind, why bother?

It is fundamental to human nature that we will have differing viewpoints, we all live filtered by our experiences and perceptions. Of course we are going to have different worldviews.

Why is it so innate in so many people to try and convert others to their particular worldview? I don't understand that. *Warning - Contradiction Ahead* I like to be right, and I like others to think I'm right. When someone I love is very obviously wrong I try to tell them so.

I guess it's knowing when to quit. When to realize that you cannot convert that other person to your side and just "agreeing to disagree."

I've always hated that phrase. I still do. I guess what really bothers me about it is that each side retreats still thinking of the other as being totally wrong, and each feeling vindicated in their stance.

So why not just drop all the shit and just talk about what is actually wrong and how the other peson can help fix it?

What is the oldest profession?

2006-01-05T19:28:00.000-08:00

I think the capuchin monkeys have satisfactorily answered that question for us. Link goes to a list of top primate experiments for 2005. Very interesting.

LINK

In case you haven't heard it yet

2006-01-05T13:54:00.000-08:00

It's the best blond joke ever.

LINK

copycat?

2006-01-03T10:49:00.000-08:00

If I changed my photo to this would I be copying Jupiter-190 too much? ->

<- Here's his. I think it's like we're yelling at each other. And everyone knows that's the foundation of a solid friendship.

Re: He fit as penmanship amulet

2006-01-03T05:41:00.000-08:00

That was the subject line of an email in my junk folder. It was a link stuffed disaster bomb waiting to go off. The body looked like a shopping page, with software titles and "add to cart" links. There were some crazy good deals on there, like XP professional for $79.95. Of course all the links pointed to the same URL. A very suspicious looking URL at that. I'm not dumb enough to click on any of those links.

But I really wanted to.

Not because I think I'd get some kind of uber-deal on software, but because I wanted to see what kind of craziness would be unleashed on my computer. I'm at work, so it wouldn't really be my headache, we have IT people for that kind of thing.

It was like the urge to jump off a tall building, only without consequences as dire. And it was much more difficult to fight off. Poe called it "the imp of the perverse," and that's what it is. I know it's wrong, I know only a very foolish person would click on one of those links, but I really want to see what would happen.

And another thing. Why do these emails have the paragraph of nonsense narration at the bottom? I've really gotten some enjoyment out of reading this stuff. And sometimes they're hidden with a white font on a white page. Are these paragraphs written, or just generated by some algorithm?

I think I'm going to start collecting them. Then I'll paste them all together and send them to the same publisher that brought us Ulysses.

know no more about him; except that his malevolence to me at What it cost me to make this proposal, nobody knows. It was likewith a noiseless step, when we were close to them, addressed elbow, whispering me. You see the millstone that he is about myor the pins, or the fire, or the wax-candles, but she came out of will never learn to do their duty to us. I am afraid we present
spectacles. There was an execution put into our house, for rent.
And what do you mean by your look? I retorted, quietly. as he came home from his work. Having settled this with myself, I Dear me. replied the Doctor. To think of that. Not that I meandont stop his mouth, youre not his friend. Why shouldnt you be Oh, thank you, Mr. Copperfield. What dear flowers. said Dora.be sure that you really are a cross old thing, if you dont go. with a plain, unaffected, homely piety that I knew to be genuine,I will not conceal from you, my dear Mr. Copperfield, said Mrs. Mr. Micawber was extremely glad to see me, but a little confused have died for, and would die for now - shes gone. this topic to his own affairs, on which, for the next half-hour, heyoull bear in mind about the money, as theers at all times some carriage a moment - if you can spare a moment. I want to speak to

New Year's Resolutions

2006-01-02T17:48:00.000-08:00

Percolating a post, but meanwhile here's a list of resolutions that this guy forcibly and without my knowledge ripped out of my unconscious.

LINK

Cough Cough Sniffle

2005-12-28T18:26:00.000-08:00

So I'm a little ill today. Chills, achiness, the whole deal. When I came in from lunch today I complained to my coworkers.

"I'm so achy that walking in from the car the raindrops hurt me," I said.

"It's hailing," they said.

Apparently I'm a little out of it too.

4 days of Giftmas

2005-12-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

Our children had the four days of present opening. First was Christmas at the in-laws on the 23rd. The entire in-law clan was present, three sisters, assorted husbands and eight grandchildren. We started with a small group of ten thousand wrapped presents arranged in no order whatsoever.

They were by group effort sorted into immense stacks that were rotated into the opening area by teams of helpers passing presents like a bucket brigade. Other lines were formed to pass down the crumpled wrapping paper. The bows were preserved in a towering mountain that we soon lost a small child in. She was later rescued safely by the St. Bernards we had on standby.

There ensued three hours of present opening. It was kept exciting by allowing no more than eight repeat presents, meaning that by the seventh time a particular shaped box came up we were all still on the edge of our seats wondering what it might be.

After all the presents were opened (I got a Dremel tool and an elephant g-string) the kids started playing with their loot and the dads started loading cars. This process took a while, as the kids approached their toy choices on a FLLPY basis (First Loaded, Last Played With) which insured that the toy most desired was the one at the very back and bottom of the trunk, leading to a continual loading and unloading process that lasted another two or three hours.

The next morning we let the kids open the presents under the tree, the ones from all of my family. Lots of mess and fun. Then followed a full day of playing with toys and unloading the car. Later we cleaned up the living room in preperation for Santa. The kids left out a cup of milk and a slice of cheese food for the big guy.

Santa had a lot of fun setting up their presents. And the displays were pretty sweet. Here they are:
SD finally gets the long awaited Dora kitchen

SS thinks Santa is "cool" even though there is no Nintendo DS

Then the children went off to see what Santa had left at their Daddy's house. Wife and I went to my parent's house where we had a lovely (and enriching) time. Seriously, thanks to my 'rents. It was another first for us, the first time Wife had visited my parent's house. She was agog at the place, and to be fair it is pretty impressive. It is an old plantation house that was built in 1848. Not entirely restored, but very comfortable and lived in. Wife is in love with the house.

After all the dust had settled we all got together and decided on the toy of the year. One that surpasses all others in fun, playability and general all-around goodness. Allow me to present the toy of the year:

This'll tide you over

2005-12-27T08:57:00.000-08:00

Got a lot to write about Christmas, and I will when I get some time, probably tonight. But for now, here's a couple of games.

Help Santa drink and stay alive. LINK (via AYNTK)

Mysteries of Time and Space. I know its about five years old, but I had a good time playing this little puzzle/adventure game. LINK

When is a touch not a touch?

2005-12-20T18:43:00.000-08:00

So we were out shopping for a gift for Wife today. I skipped out of work and spent all day with the kids while Wife dutifully went out and earned us a living. It wasn't really an optional thing, though. The kids had to be taken care of, and there was no one else to do it.

Besides, shopping for a secret Christmas present with two insta-spies is not what you would call optimum circumstances. By the way, I am really proud of the kids and the way they held up under Mom's interrogation. SS was great, he told the truth, but not too much. SD was also funny, and unexpected. She just made stuff up. "We got you a pink table Mom!" Or "He bought you big earrings!"

But anyway we were in the shop. Both kids had already proved they could not be trusted around glass. Not to lick it, kiss it, rub it, dirty it up. That sounds really pornographic until you remember I'm talking about kids and glass display cases. And they did all that stuff and more to those poor display cases.

So I told them not to touch anything in the shop. Apparently I did not count as a thing in the shop, because when the lady came out I was being prodded from both sides by the children, who were saying "I'm touching you I'm touching you I'm touching you..."

She laughed at me. She also gave me the eye roll when I told her this was a secret trip. You don't know jack shoplady! These kids will keep my secret! Mainly because they were never really sure what we were doing there or what exactly I was buying. So take that, Mom and shoplady!

The Latest

2005-12-18T19:14:00.000-08:00

I am OMG super pumped about Christmas. Sorry for my descent into 12 year old slang, but it's true. This is my first Christmas with kids, and the pain of bending the credit card is mitigated by the anticipation of seeing our children's faces on the big day.

And we have bought some cool shit for the rug rats to play with (and possibly hurt themselves on). I fully expect SS to have some sort of cast within a couple of weeks. But still, I can't wait to see his excitement when he gets the pocket rocket. And I kid you not, I will be riding around on that thing. I am within the weight limit, at least for the time being. Wife says she won't let me ride it before it's presented as a gift. I say it needs a test ride, and we can clean the wheels. Wife says she can't wait to ride it either, she just thinks we should wait till after we give it to him.

SS was a little unrealistic with his list for Santa (a laptop, a Nintendo DS, several games) yeah well, he's not getting any of that. All his requested gifts are video game related, and he spends a little too much time with the games he has. Upon questioning, he does not even know what he would do with a laptop. Heck, he doesn't even know how to spell it, for some reason he thinks that it's a "labtop." Which would be cute, except he'll fight with you about it, and his tone screams "DUMBASS" the whole time he's talking. So we are going to encourage him into a more physically engaged direction. If that means a broken arm or two, so be it. It was good enough for me. I kid, I kid. But I am proud that we have gotten him a LOT of great gifts, and not a video game among them.

SD was easy, on the surface. This is the first year that she actually sat on "Ho Ho's" lap and told him what she wanted for Christmas. And she has been really consistent whenever she is asked what she wants. At her day care they have each child's Christmas wishlist posted on the wall. Most of the kids had an honest to goodness list, you know, 12 or 13 things. SD has three things on her list. A Dora the Explorer kitchen, a baby, and dress up clothes.

Baby doll-check. Dress up stuff-check. Dora kitchen-not so check. Did you know that every female child under five in the known universe wants this particular kitchen? And that Fisher-Price only made approximately 4 of them for retail sale?

So started the quest. After giving Wife multiple heart attacks I did find one on ebay at a very reasonable price. Then began the ordeal of getting it to us. It was a "Buyit now" deal, so at least I did not have to wait to win an auction. But here's the deal, neither I nor Wife ever get home without a child in the car. There was no way to get this thing shipped to our place. So I wanted it shipped to pop-in-law's house. It's only a couple of minutes up the road. So while I was still on the ebay site (I had yet to sign up for paypal) I let my preferences be known. This was a big mistake, apparently. Because my preferred shipping address was not associated with my credit card's billing address that made it an "unconfirmed address" dum-dum-dummmm. So the seller refunded my payment, and I repaid using my address, and the seller shipped it to pop-in-law. The whole thing took three days of emails and money-changing. Special thanks to the seller, who was so patient with me. Don't know why it was so dramatic, but anyway, I got the kitchen.

So, done. Actually, we went through the same ordeal once we had settled on the pocket rocket for SS. Except not quite the same. This time most ebay searches revealed my product at 300-400% markup plus 70-80 dollars in shipping. So I found one from a company that didn't have "Out of Stock" in big red letters and I ordered it. Then I realized that they didn't have "In Stock" anywhere either. So began a week long process called "trying to contact the company." Yes thanks for not charging my card until the order ships, but when exactly will it ship?

So several times I called their 888 number. Sometimes it was busy. Most times I pressed numbers till I got to the option that got me a human. Then I sat on hold for anywhere from 20 to 30 minutes (never less) periodically a voice would come on telling me how many callers were in front of me. There were never more than two.

At least five times the voice came on and told me I was next and then I got disconnected. Frustrating, yes, but I was on a mission. Finally everything happened in a rush. My emails were suddenly answered and so were my phone calls. Oh yeah, they said, it shipped already. Here's the tracking number.

I have also never tracked a UPS shipment online. (I know, I am a virgin in so many ways) But I get a great deal of excitement from seeing the details on my UPS order. It is not enough for me to see that it is on time, I want to know what warehouse it is in, when it got there, when it left, and all that. So wife has gotten laughs for her whole office by getting me on the speakerphone and asking where the pocket rocket is. "It's in Ohio right now, it left Michigan at 12:33 and arrived in Toledo at 2:49," I'd say in all seriousness. But they were laughing at me.

Shipping and tracking the shipping=more heart attacks. But things are coming together nicely.

I really can't wait to see this kids on Christmas day. And I don't want to get all sappy and queer about it, but I am seeing another reason for the season, and a small justification for crass commercialism. Because it's really fun to buy a bunch of neat toys for kids you love, just for the joy of seeing them interact, learn, and grow with those toys. That's why we didn't buy a DS, or any video games.

Miscellaneous

2005-12-16T11:57:00.000-08:00

The above is from David Shrigley's website. He has a really neat collection of photos, sculptures, animations, etc.

Ashlee Simpson collapsed during a show in Tokyo. Her manager, thinking quickly, threw two irate cats and a microphone into a box. None of the fans noticed the difference.

This game reminds me of a radio commercial from Grand Theft Auto. Save the heroic red square from the evil blue squares. Watch out for the sides of doom. Apparently it's been around for a while, but still fun and stuff. I played four or five times, my record is 29.504 seconds.

I promise I'll post something a little more involved than just another link dump. As soon as I get some more time.

At 6:33 pm...nothing happened

2005-12-14T09:03:00.000-08:00

By now I and all my family, as well as any friends, aquaintances and even people I may have driven past on the highway should all be dead, or at least seriously injured and evicted from our homes. By all rights, the town I live in should be nothing but a smoking hole in the ground.

That is, according to all the email chains with dire 'forward or die' warnings in them that I have received and deleted.

I admit it, I am an unapologetic breaker of email chains. Send me your most sad story, your most horrific warnings, your most uplifting story complete with cute and cuddly bears and kittens. Forward me a message that contains thousands of email addresses of all the victims before me. I will delete them all.

Except this one. LINK

Peak Oil once again

2005-12-12T23:35:00.000-08:00

Revisiting a recurring theme.

What is the Peak Oil Theory? LINK
Why should that bother me? LINK
I need some anecdotal evidence. LINK
Make it all better, Pollyanna. LINK
Why is Pollyanna wrong? LINK
Is there an opposing viewpoint? LINK

I know that's a lot of reading to do. Far more than the average attention span. But I will continue to repost all the previous links and add new ones when I come across them. The latest is very well thought out and well supported. I'm feeling better about our chances on this front. Bird flu, though...

Good Neighbor

2005-12-12T11:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't had a whole lot of time to post recently, and probably won't for a short while. Meanwhile just be happy you don't live next to this proponent of the first amendment. This guy won't explain why he has such a greusome display in his yard, nor will he remove it.

Bah, humbug, indeed.

LINK

Now I need a new title

2005-12-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

I thought my title had some small originality, maybe a little bit of a copout, but still something.

But through Blogsearch I see there are at least 5 other blogs with my title.

We can't have that.

Any suggestions?

How Southen are You?

2005-12-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

I took this test, the higher your score the more Southern you are, based purely on speech patterns. I never thought I had much of a Southern accent, but I scored an 84%.

And no, I don't still use Confederate money.

Wow that was quick

2005-12-07T13:37:00.000-08:00

The ebay link in my last post is already down. Wish I had captured a screen shot. Anyway, it was an entire Adult video production company for sale, including equipment, actors and actresses, business contacts, etc. Everything you'd want to become a blue movie mogul.

Goin into business for myself

2005-12-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

One of the latest offerings on ebay. The thing I enjoyed was the advice for potential buyers at the bottom.

LINK

Where I'm at

2005-12-06T20:18:00.000-08:00

So I finally broke down and read a tutorial on CSS here. So now I have done everything I wanted to do, compatible with both IE and Firefox. Enough of that already.

I've also had to work a great deal lately. I was so busy right off the bat today that I forgot to open my email program until around three hours after I got to work. Oops. There was some important stuff there.

I hate it when they make me do my job.

They were all "earn the money we pay you" and I was all "but I gotta surf and blog." But they were all "do your job." So I did.

Really, though, I do enjoy being busy. I didn't think I'd last long at this job because the first couple of months were so slow. But now I feel like I'm really doing something.

In other news, our first family Christmas tree is up and decorated, except for the angel on top. That has to be delivered from the in-laws. It's the same one Wife traditionally placed atop the family tree for 20-odd years. Wife likes lights on the tree. A lot of lights. When we light the tree we turn off all other lights in the house and wear our sunglasses at night. All of the light cords are plugged into the back of each other in two long sections. When they are plugged into either side of the extension cord they make a colossal extension cord electric plug T of death that makes our meter spin with delight. Fire hazard anyone?

There are a few presents under the tree, necessitating daily explanations to three year old SD that no, today is not Crissmass and we can't open the presents yet.

We also skipped Cub Scouts this week, and I feel like a huge slacker. We were so busy "grocery shopping" and "working" and "having some small quality of life" that we did not get our popcorn delivered and money collected in time for last night's meeting. So we skipped it. Plus I needed a nap. In case you think I'm a complete waste, I'll have you know all the popcorn is delivered and the money collected now, thank you very much. That's only one week and one day late. And the popcorn money collecting lady told me to not worry about it because the pack has plenty of money. Do I sound defensive? 'Cause I'm not. In case you wanted to know. I'm not.

Some assembly required

2005-12-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

Got to work today and discovered that my new template that is so pretty under firefox looks like poopoo with IE. sigh.

Back to the drawing board.

Have you seen me?

2005-12-04T20:21:00.000-08:00

Lost: my masculinity.

Date lost: about one month ago when I set it down for a second to play dress up with SD.

Sightings: spotted briefly when a home assembly project came up, was quickly lost again when said assembly project turned out to be an artificial Christmas tree requiring artistic arrangement of wire branches.

Date missed: tonight, halfway between the Desperate Housewives / Grey's Anatomy marathon Wife and I have enjoyed for about one month.

Question

2005-12-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

Why do people, especially Grandmothers and Grandfathers, think that it is a wonderful thing to give children toys that make electronic noise? Especially ones that do not take batteries and have no off switch. Ones that will play three minutes of digitized noise at the slightest squeeze or shake.

It is not ok. It is just not.

Hope you like it

2005-12-04T02:05:00.000-08:00

Well this is it, for now. Still working on getting a sidebar on the left. Ok, ok I brand myself as a n00b. But I have not worked with website design since the early to mid 90's. Things have changed a bit since then.

And although I pride myself on being the kind of guy that reads directions when assembling something, and the kind of guy that will ask for directions when he's lost, I refused to go look up a lot of the tags on the default template I had.

Instead I waded right in, changed a few things, saved and published. I told myself I'd learn more that way. Several thousand publishings later I have learned a lot, though not how to make a new sidebar on the left.

I did get what I wanted, but both left and right sidebars appeared below the main. I think it something to do with the main being left justified with a 120px margin. Like I said, I'm a n00b.

Which is a strange point to be in. I'm way over the head of someone that has no experience in site design, but yet so hopelessly behind a lot of the things I see out there.

Regardless, I'm pretty happy with what I've come up with, and thought I'd give a shout to the tools I used that made it a relatively painless experience.

Number one: Firefox 1.5. The tabbed site feature of this browser is enough to make it worthwhile, not to mention all the awesome user-created add-ons and the security that just straight up blows IE out of the water. I had my blogger.com editing page on one tab , my blog on another, colors on another, etc. etc. Just all kinds of super impressed is what I suppose I'm trying to convey here.

Number two: Steel Dolphin Creative. A nice site with lots to offer, especially the color scheme tool that I kept open under a separate tab (see above) the whole time I was working.

Number three: My Wife. Her color sense helped save me from a couple of disastrous decisions.

Number four: Google. I know they're going outside, above and beyond the law to archive the history of everything I've ever done on the Internet and what color underwear I had on at the time, but their searches are still so staggeringly useful, and the results so applicable...Well, everyone googles.

working on my look

2005-12-02T19:54:00.000-08:00

Please excuse strange looks and colors here as I try to teach myself the ins and outs of template design. Let me know what you think.

Honey it's not what you think...

2005-12-02T12:31:00.000-08:00

These things are designed to protect your banana. I mean... oh never mind.

There is no way to talk about the banana bunker without sounding obscene.

In Case You Never Look at News on the Internet

2005-12-01T18:13:00.000-08:00

So there's this gaping security hole in Microsoft's Internet Explorer, one that haven't bothered to fix yet. Though it's been known since last May. Bad people can gain entire control of your computer, just by you going to their website.

Luckily, there's a free workaround. If you do not already use Mozilla Firefox for all the obvious reasons (i.e. it's a superior product, and it's free) you should use it just because these security concerns will no longer apply to you. The latest version is out and available for download. I'm using it now!

Where's Paul Harvey When You Need Him?

2005-12-01T05:27:00.000-08:00

I just read this article and am left wanting the rest of the story. I mean, Ok, the public intox explains a lot. Who hasn't wanted to take out their frustrations with traffic while drunk and naked? Especially when it's 44 degrees outside. That I understand.

But the last sentence really leaves you hanging. The writer just tosses it out there like it happens everyday. Did he also want to fly? To escape traffic perhaps. And when his flying dreams were so literally dashed to the ground he decided to take arms against evil traffic. There. That's my ending. It really bugs me when those journalists make me have to finish the story myself.

The Picture of a Lifetime with Tom "Moof" Davies

2005-11-30T19:48:00.000-08:00

Livestock: how can i take good pictures
Moof: point at a dog and shoot
Livestock: should i get a close up of a bug on the dog's nose
Livestock: has anyone done that
Livestock: because that would be amazing
Moof: no never
Moof: but you probably need a better camera :(
Livestock: moof i swear to god if you steal my idea about taking a picture of a bug on a dog's nose i will shoot you with a gun
Livestock: that is going to be the shot that gets me on Time Magazine's cover!!
Livestock: it will be like man on the moon
Moof: yes
Moof: all i need now is a dog and a bug
Moof: i just found a bug
Moof: i am almost there
Livestock: GOD DAMNIT YOU LET THAT BUG GO
Moof: brb i have to go to the dog store
Livestock: ARGH
Moof: wait i mean the golf... course.... yes...
Livestock: MOOF I'M GETTING IN MY CAR AND I'M DRIVING TO STOP YOU
Livestock: THAT IS MY PICTURE
Livestock: MY PICTURE
Moof: the dog ate my bug :(

Unashamedly stolen from somethingawful

Those little scamps

2005-11-29T21:40:00.000-08:00

That America is becoming a pill culture is well known. That people still fall for it amazes me. It is a game to me to study the length of time it takes between when a new FDA approved (whatever that means) drug's commercials start and when the class action lawsuit commercials for that drug begin. I think the shortest turnaround time I've seen is for Ortho Evra. I haven't researched it or anything. It just seems like last month I was seeing commercials about how liberating the birth control patch was, and yesterday I saw a local law firm commercial recruiting idiots who had suffered from using it.

It has become a trend in our nation to guarantee the quick fix. If it hurts, pop a pill. They make a drug for that. Unless you're wallowing in the limitless capacity for self-delusion that many Americans are capable of you know what I mean.

Don't get me wrong, there are a great many prescription meds that serve a valuable purpose, and drastically improve the quality of life of those that take them.

But admit it, we have gotten a little out of control with the whole pill thing, and the pharmaceutical companies are the first to exploit it. While it is illegal for drug companies to pay doctors to prescribe their medicines, I can't tell you how many "events" hosted by drug reps for doctors I accepted money (and a lot of it) for hosting as a restaurant manager.

And the latest, apparently the big drug companies using ex-cheerleaders to sell their wares has become so prevalent that there is a company based around that particular staffing need. That's just awesome. Gimme a 'D!' Gimme a'R!' Gimme a 'U!'

Peak Oil revisited

2005-11-29T15:30:00.000-08:00

So there's the doom and gloom side of the earth running out of oil, including such dire things as global economic collapse, widespread disease, famine and death. I included some links to articles about that a couple of weeks ago. LINK . Not everyone sees it that way, including Spencer Reiss with Wired magazine. His article, Why $5 Gas is Good for America, explores the more Pollyanna side of running out of oil. A couple of points jumped out at me.

In the first place no one really seems to be arguing that we are not in imminent danger of running the world out of oil. It will happen, the question is when. Not many people who have researched the question argue that it won't happen in our lifetimes. When you take into account the fact that global consumption of oil is on the rise, and production is falling as more oil fields pass their productive peak, it becomes obvious that we are on a slippery slope and losing ground faster every day.

Reiss' point in this article is that, yes, we are running out of oil. Prices will skyrocket. But that is a good thing because it will make alternative energy sources economically viable. Sources that have been partially or fully developed but not implemented because oil as an energy source has undercut all competitors. His evidence that we will be successful in making the change to oil alternatives is simply that "the history of energy innovation suggests something very different - and a lot less dire."

He does not really take into account the massive changes in infrastructure that would be necessary to change over to an alternate fuel source, or the fact that transportation is merely the tip of the iceberg when you start looking at the economic implications of oil scarcity. He mentions the trillions of dollars oil companies have at their disposal now, without taking into account the fact that our banking system is completely dependent on a steady and affordable supply of oil.

Rising oil prices making alternative fuels suddenly affordable sounds great, and on the surface it sounds right. But consider, just in the case of biodiesels, that the massive farming infrastructure, from equipment to fertilizers and pesticides are all oil dependent in both their production and their implementation.

The fact seems to be, as Matt Savinar states"Once oil prices are sky-high, our economy will be shattered, and we won't be able to finance an aggressive switch-over to whatever modest alternatives are available to us."

Reiss' central argument is that we will successfully make the switch to alternative sources because we've always done it before. Then he shoots his argument in the foot with his own evidence.

"It was James Watt's steam engine that chained sailing ships to their berths - not lack of wind. Petroleum sent coal and horse power packing, even though mountains of coal waited to be mined and plenty of stallions remained in the barn."

In both of these cases a cheaper and more powerful source of energy replaced one that was still abundant. How sucessful will an energy changeover be when there are no more stallions in the barn?

I would love to be proven to be just another "petro-pessimit." I sincerely want the doom-and-gloomers to be wrong about the devestating global effects of oil scarcity. However, I keep finding evidence supporting their dire predictions, and am offered very thinly researched or supported claims to the contrary.

The most secret and arcane recipe revealed

2005-11-28T21:45:00.000-08:00

Deviled eggs are one of the single greatest potluck foods ever created. You cannot find deviled eggs outside of a potluck. For those social virgins that do not know what potluck means, it is a dinner party where everyone involved is required to bring a dish, of their own making.

That leads to creative and scary foods being offered, so you have to be very cautious of which serving spoon you choose to bring near your increasingly overladen plate. Most people bring some kind of casserole. "Casserole" is an ancient word that translates to "some gloopy stuff with a crispy topping."

Traditionally placed near the end of the serving line, here is where the deviled egg asserts its dominance over other more goopy foods. The deviled egg has no scientifically provable footprint on a chinet plate. You can place the deviled egg on top of any other food without impacting the tastiness of either item. A lot of research dollars have gone to show that due to the relatively impermeable nature of the lower side of the deviled egg, it can safely be stowed atop squash, sweet potato, green bean and spinach casseroles without contamination to either.

An anomaly of the deviled egg is that it is not encountered anywhere else in the wild. You will occasionally find various casseroles masquerading under the title of "dinner," or "side item," but never the deviled egg.

The deviled egg maintains its unique charateristic as a food that is only offered at potluck occasions. As such, its recipe is hidden from those, like me, that are never asked to contribute to such events. People like me are only invited as an afterthought, and are certainly not expected to bring anything.

Or so it has always been. Now, as a married man, and a solvent member of a family, I have finally been inducted into the recipe of the deviled egg. It is so simple, yet fraught with complications. Liberation, yet responsibility. But, over all tasty-licious. I'm glad I finally got the recipe.

Post Turkey day

2005-11-26T19:02:00.000-08:00

Long thanksgiving weekend is almost over. Waaah.

The drive was nearly uneventful. All of the things I imagined in the previous post did not come to pass. Wife's stomach was suddenly good and there were only minor hiccups from that quarter. SD was an angel, she played with her fingers and various bits of car detritus as well as her toys and never whined or complained.

As usual, the travel problem was the one you would not expect. Stopped at a red light in Podunk, Al. the fifteen year old driving a dooley in front of me decided he had pulled out too far and reversed. Right into my car, horn notwithstanding. So, crunch. Minor hood and bumper damage. I felt bad for the kid, once I had determined that he had a solvent parent in the truck who had insurance and an honorable attitude. Like Wife said, "Dad wouldn't have any room for turkey, because he just chewed so much of his kid's ass." The dents are minor, the trip was only momentarily delayed.

Lucky thing, the accident was less than a block away from the police station. So I left Wife and SD in charge of the crime scene and went to be protected and served. First I stopped an old man in a pickup and asked him what town I was in. How strange is it to be in an accident, get out and verify insurance and not know who to call? I had my cell phone all out and everything but I had no clue who to call. I even dialed 1411 and when they asked me for a city and state I said "Stumped, Alabama." I got an operator right away. When she said, "I need a city to help you," I said "I guess I'll call back in a minute." Then I flagged down the aforementioned old man, got the info on the town and the proximity of the cop house and walked down to the station.

There I walked into a closet-sized anteroom. It had various policey-type notices on the walls, a glass pass-through receptionist window that was boarded shut and a princess phone on the wall with a notice that said "For after-hours emergencies pick up the phone." So I did.

I got a groggy sort of just-woke-up-and not-to-happy-about-it voice saying "911 hep you?" I quickly gave the salient details of my mishap and he said to wait in the closet where I stood and someone would be along to hep me. So I did.

About five minutes later a hepful officer poked his head out of a locked door like he was hiding something and advised me to go back to the scene of the accident. So I did.

Then things got a lot more normal. Two cops showed up with lights and cars and radios and quickly completed a report. I'll let everyone know how the dent-fixing process goes.

We continued our journey, and it was all good. The food was great, we all got involved in games of smash-the-pecan-and-eat-it and pow-you're-dead-why-aren't-you-laying-down with the kids. In breaks we played put-me-in-the-truck-bed-and-take-me-out-again.

My favorite was throw acorns in the bird bath. I left off the hyphens because they are too hard to type. It was a great game, though. It consisted of throwing acorns into the bird bath and when a hit is scored, you must run screaming and waving arms over head to the curb and back. The yard was pretty big so there was some exercise involved.

Then we all had desert and drove home. Then we had another Thanksgiving with Wife's family the next day. But I'm tired so maybe I'll include that story later. Later.

Video

2005-11-25T22:28:00.000-08:00

Whenever you find yourself around cameras or microphones, it's safest to assume they are on.

LINK (video)

Thanksgiving

2005-11-23T19:22:00.000-08:00

Well here we are already. The holidays are upon us. Like many others, our small immediate family is preparing to go have an outrageously huge meal with our large protracted family.

There will be some absences (miss all of you guys in NY!) but a lotta my side of the family will be there. See in my profile where it says "recently married?" Yep, you guessed it, this is the first holiday event with Wife and Step-kids.

But that's cool, as my family is not embarrassing (much) and neither is Wife, SD or SS (no more than I am anyway.) It will be a little different. No longer will I be able to play the eternal loner, sitting quietly in the corner reading or just watching. Nope. Now I will be expected to participate, if nothing else to excercise some guidance over the SK's. That's ok too.

So perhaps I should put up a disclaimer, as two of my siblings know the address here, and I'm pretty sure everyone will know it before Friday. Some of the things I put on here are not things you would want to discuss at the dinner table. Some things I would not want to talk about with Mom. (Love you Mom) I can't see me posting anything I would be ashamed for her to read, but that doesn't mean I necessarily want to discuss it, if you know what I mean.

And now the part I'm really not looking forward to, the drive. Three hours there, three hours back. All done tomorrow. (Custody reasons) Ever driven six hours with a three year old that loves to talk? Don't get me wrong, I love her, love spending time with her. The twenty minutes in the car on the way home from school is just right. But six total hours?

I'm not as worried about SS. He's seven, and loves his gameboy. He also has a portable CD player. He'll just plug himself in and chill. Then, of course, he'll unplug and goad his sister into the screaming meemies. It's a talent he has. One that requires regular exercise.

And the worst part. Poor wife has some kind of stomach bug. With all the dehydration-inducing symptoms that go along with it. Hopefully she'll be better by tomorrow. If not, we may just call it a miss, though she insists she's ok for the trip. Our dramatic increase in toilet flushing activity tells a different story, however.

It's shaping up to have all the elements of a classic tale of family endurance, complete with children melting down and wife heaving on the shoulder of the road. Who doesn't love holidays? Well that's it, I gotta go clean out the wastebasket by the couch. Ewww.

Push the button

2005-11-23T12:23:00.000-08:00

I mentioned the other day my desire to bring some squeezably soft TP from home to stash here at work. The stuff here has the texture of 300 grit sandpaper. Lucky me, I am pretty regular. If regular means you never have to go while at home, but only at work.

Where to stash it is the problem. There is a drop ceiling, and I suppose that I could stick it above a ceiling tile. But the ceiling is really high, and it would be necessary for me to stand on the pot to get to it. I'm the kind of guy that would fall off of it and get a concussion, or get my foot stuck in the hole, or both. Also, what if the stall under my special tile was occupied? Then what would I do?

I briefly considered putting it in the actual dispenser, where the spare roll goes. But the cleaning crew we have at night is very good. I suppose it's not that hard here since half the cubicles are empty. But they always keep the dispenser stocked. And if they found foreign paper in their dispenser I might get in trouble. You can always tell when someone gets in trouble here, because an exerpt of the employee handbook (which I've only ever seen exerpts of) will be mass emailed to everyone. Somewhere in that book, I'm sure, is a section entitled "Thou shalt not mess with our facilities, nor shalt thou import your own TP, no matter how gentle it is for your backside, not even if you hate our TP more than the Devil himself." Or something like that.

Maybe I'm approaching this all wrong. Maybe I should install my own dispensers and label them with a sign like the one above, something like "Section V Article II of the employee handbook states that no one in this branch is authorized to use this tissue. See Appendix ZZ for more details."

Surely that wouldn't come back to haunt me.

Too Pretty for Prison?

2005-11-22T11:11:00.000-08:00

Debra Lafave, a former Florida middle school teacher pled guilty to having sex with a 14 year old today as part of a plea bargain that kept her from serving any actual jail time.

There are a lot of jokes just begging to be made about this case. And I'm quite sure that others will make them. But sometimes what is stated in all seriousness is more ridiculous than anything I could come up with. (Highlights are mine)

"[Her lawyer] Fitzgibbons said in July that plea negotiations had broken off because prosecutors insisted on prison time, which he said would be too dangerous for someone as attractive as Lafave. He said then that she planned to plead insanity at trial, claiming emotional stress kept her from knowing right from wrong."

LINK

I want your soul

2005-11-22T08:40:00.000-08:00

Note to self: Never taunt wife in the store with creepy big headed dog a week before your birthday.

Some things are better left unsaid...

2005-11-21T12:44:00.000-08:00

And this is probably one of them. I just still find myself in awe of what I just saw. I have to share, but I promise I'll do my best to be tasteful while describing something so utterly tasteless.

I'm at work, and I went to the bathroom. It happens. So while I was sitting there thinking as I do every day, about bringing in a roll from home and hiding it for my personal use. There I was, trying to find a good spot to stash a personal roll of TP (I'm not a germaphobe, I just don't like sandpaper on my you-know-what), something on the floor caught my eye.

I've been around for a while and I have learned to differentiate regular hairs from hairs from "down there." What I saw on the floor was without a doubt a hair from "down there."

Which is not, in and of itself all that strange a thing to see on the bathroom floor. Here's what was...it was like six inches long. Still coiled up. Stretched out it had to be like nine or ten inches. I leaned over to stare in amazement, trying to get close but not too close, if you know what I mean.

I verified and reverified, there was no doubt. It really set me to thinking. Was this some kind of record? What is the record? Surely there is one. Was this hair a rogue, a solitary freak? Or did it come from a forest of likewise lengthy follicles? If the latter case is true, can he tie them in a knot, can he tie them in a bow? Do women sometime overestimate the size of his attribute (b/c of all the extra...you get it)

Ok, ok, I know it's strange to focus on this so much, but seriously, it was huge.

Quote of the Day

2005-11-21T08:40:00.000-08:00

"It didn't look that big until I started blowing it."

-Wife, talking about blowing leaves out of the yard

'Police? My onion rings are cold!'

2005-11-18T10:03:00.000-08:00

A US woman was arrested for calling 911 after a restaurant served her cold onion rings. Sharita Williams, 30, of Houma, Louisiana, told police the food was cold when she received it and the waiter refused to replace it.

So she dialled 911 from the Malt-N-Burger restaurant in Thibodaux, reports the Daily Comet. Police turned up - but only to arrest Williams for wasting police time. She is due in court in December.

I think I waited on this woman in my last career.

LINK

They're real, they're real

2005-11-18T08:32:00.000-08:00

Three liger cubs have been born in Russia. What will they think of next?

LINK

We're all screwed

2005-11-15T22:40:00.000-08:00

Some people think that the Peak Oil theory is just, well, wrong. I hope they're right. However, here is a well reasoned and factually supported argument that says otherwise. And if that didn't bring you down, here's the latest from Kuwait, the home of the second largest oil field in the world.

Strange Days

2005-11-15T21:42:00.000-08:00

I spent a lot of time today looking at the comments on David Ludwig and Kara Borden's blogs. Why? I'm not going to post links to them because I'm quite sure you can find them on your own if you want, and very soon they will be taken down. Well, actually Kara's is already down. The first few pages of comments on David's blog make for some interesting reading. I say the first few because it rapidly degenerates into infighting between several posters who have different opinions about friendship, Christianity, and whatever else they could think of to butt heads about. I skipped to the end and found that the whole thing had become monopolized by one poster that would just paste inflammatory remarks repeated several thousand times.

The point was made several times that it was an exercise in futility, for after all, the owner of the blog every one was commenting on was in jail and not likely to catch up on who has been visiting his site.

But the comments kept rolling in. Which is understandable, if you think about it. It is an open forum that is very much in the media's eye, and it deals with an horrific and captivating story. It is an interesting dynamic at work here. I can not think of another period in history that this kind of unedited public forum has been possible.

It was strange to read through the comments on Kara's blog. The whole site was done up in neon hello kitty colors that made it difficult to navigate. The comments on her most recent post started normally, comments by her friends about the post. At 10-something am on Sunday was a rather chilling post from a friend saying something like 'Why didn't you come pick me up? Call me.' After that the entreaties by friends to make it home safe started. Soon enough the world found out her address and the comments started rolling in. 90% were supportive/worried, with offers of prayer and love. The rest were condemning, ranging from a "Christian" that stated that her parent's blood was on her hands and this is what she deserved for not obeying thy Father and Mother to profanity-laden diatribes that served mainly to highlight the instability of the author.

The percentages of support vs. condemnation on David's blog were reversed, with just two or three of his close friends supporting him while fighting off nearly universal attacks. Which brings me to another aspect of this case that I find somewhat bothersome. Nobody knows for sure what happened. We don't know if Kara was involved at all. We're pretty sure that David shot her father, based on sister's account, but he has not been tried yet. Innocent until proven guilty, remember?

Now I don't know the floorplan of the house where these events took place, but one thing I read in a news story struck me as odd. It stated that shell casings were found upstairs and several guns were found downstairs. Were they David's guns? Did he come to his girlfriend's house fully loaded out Columbine-style? If so, did he shoot them upstairs after leaving the rest of his loadout downstairs? What role, if any, did Kara play in this? Many more questions spring to mind.

Undoubtedly a lot of media attention will be focused on the fact that both of these children are homeschooled and very Christian. I don't really see that these facts have a lot to do with the events other than the link that allowed these two teens to meet. (I know I referred to the two as children and teens in the same paragraph, make of it what you will) In short, there are several reasons why this story has captured my attention, and most of them are a little disturbing.

For the fashion conscious paranoid

2005-11-14T06:12:00.000-08:00

AFDB's (Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanies) are all the rage for today's paranoid that is concerned about psychotronic attacks, mind control and a host of other invasive dangers. Any questions? (Like what does psychotronic mean?) Be sure to check out their testimonials page. I have added a button here, partially for the AFDB site itself, mostly so my buttons are symmetrical.

Who knew?

2005-11-11T10:15:00.000-08:00

Recently a study was completed that definitively links instances of bullying in elementary schools to psychological distress. The story. Thank goodness to finally see research dollars go to discover something previously unknown. I had often wondered if I was unique in my dislike of being picked on as a child. Maybe others really enjoyed it, maybe it was actually some arcane friendship ritual I was not privy to.

"Why so happy Billy, what happened in school today?"

"Bobby punched me in the stomach and took my lunch money! He's my best friend!"

Thank goodness I can finally put those worries to rest. It turns out that most children dislike being bullied. Dr. Gwen M. Glew (known as Dr. Obvious to her collegues) of the University of Washington in Seattle Department of Redunancy Department filled out her ground breaking study with other little known tidbits. Such as, "The primary mission of schools is to educate children." Not, as had been previously suspected, to maximize interim napping opportunities for parents.

Also brought to light is the fact that "Sadness is the key depression symptom. Bullying-involvement is associated with the key symptom of depression in this young population." So let me get this straight. Sadness is a symptom of depression? Not just a key symptom, the key symptom? And if I'm following correctly, getting picked on is associated with sadness? Don't break a leg jumping to conclusions. Also, according to Dr. Obvious, "the association is concerning and suggests further work in this area is called for."

Among suggested lines of research are "How being included makes children feel included" and "The link between interest and attention, why interesting things hold our attention longer."

New Miracle Drug

2005-11-09T11:57:00.000-08:00

As always with new meds, be sure to read the fine print.

LINK

Hands Off

2005-11-07T20:46:00.000-08:00

I feel a little manly, just a little. Wife decided we need a new entertainment center, since we have friends and family coming in this weekend. We saved a little by buying it unassembled. So that's what I did all afternoon yesterday. It came out pretty nice, with a dark cherry finish that beautifully covers the several million screws that it is actually made of.

I am not a stereotypical male in a couple of ways. One is that I do not get turned on by seeing women loving on each other. No woman believes me when I tell them that, but it's true. I digress. Another way that I am atypical is that when I embark on some sort of assembly/repair project I read and follow the instructions. That is, if they were written by someone with a good grasp of english. Kudows to whoever designed the instructions for this piece of furniture, by the way. I say designed because I rarely read the text, I just studied the drawings. They were awesome, and gave all the info I needed. One thing I did read and adhere to however was the admonition to not use a power screwdriver. Why was not entirely clear. I think the engineering graphics guy threw that in thinking that if he spent so much time on the illustrations I could damn well spend six hours turning screws.

One drawback of my new job is that I only use my hands to drive a mouse and peck the keyboard. (Yes, I hunt and peck. You want obstinancy? Try getting an English major and not learning to type) So after the first 38 screws (I counted) I developed a lovely huge blister on my birdie finger. Then I put on a glove for the remainder of the assembly process. Despite the protection, my first blister exploded and sheared off the useless flap of blister skin and I developed another one directly above the first.

That makes me feel not quite so manly. In my former restaurant career I prided myself on my hands of steel. There was no plate too hot for me to hold calmly and patiently. Oh this plate raises blisters on your hands? Step back puny mortal, allow me to ferry this plate for you. Now I wonder. Now I hesitate when the guy at the Mexican restaurant says "ees hot."

I remember old martial arts films where they toughened their hands up by repeatedly stabbing them into hot sand. Maybe I'll try that. Maybe I'll replace the paper towels at work with 300 grit sandpaper. I'm going to use the word asshat here because I like it. I'll make the walk from the car to the office on my hands. I'll juggle gravel. My hands should be able to take on any task I throw at them, not blister up like little wussy hands at the first sign of friction.

I gotta go, I have sand on the stove.

Free Cat

2005-11-07T09:39:00.000-08:00

Yeah, but is it camping?

2005-11-05T18:10:00.000-08:00

Some 20,000 strong, scouts and their families descended on the Talledega Super Speedway infield for a weekend of "camping" and gross consumerism. Let's start at the beginning, Friday afternoon after work. I was prepaid and preregistered, Step-Son (SS hereafter) was at the movie outing for his soccer team. He was to arrive later riding with his den leader, whose son is also on the soccer team.

So I arrived, spent a little time in a car line checking in and drove aimlessly till I saw a face I sort of recognized from the last pack meeting. I parked, unloaded the trunk (not a huge chore: a cooler, a tent and two backpacks) and set up my tent. Then, just to be nice I set up the den leader's tent. Still having an hour or two before SS arrived I went for a walk. It was then that my pride suffered its first blow. I had been proud for fully outfitting SS and I for camping at Wal-Mart for only $80.00. (The tent was borrowed from sis-in-law, thanks!) But in my short walk I realized the error of my ways. All of the other men had great little accoutrements that facilitated camping life, like the outdoor fireplace pictured here (it's a lot bigger in real life.) They also had all kinds of tripods that did various cool things ranging from holding a propane lamp to washing and drying your socks while you slept. Also beds. Good Lord have you seen what they can do with an inflatable mattress these days? I hadn't. Now my eyes have been opened. Of course there were the posers that just pulled in the RV and generator, that is Not Camping. But if you can recreate the comforts of an RV and electricity through sheer portable* equipment, then you have truly learned to camp.

After the arrival of SS I was looking forward to many learning experiences and scouting adventures, not to mention oppotunities to earn badges and patches (the two grails of scouting.) So when he arrived we went walking. We found opportunities to buy corn dogs, sno-cones and various short lived glow-in-the-dark accoutrements. Yes, I purchased some of the above. But not a corn dog by God! Then we walked the mile uphill back to our campsite accompanied by the lyrical song of a thousand duck calls. Some genius decided to sell them for a dollar to all comers.

There were a lot of comers. For the remainder of this post you can include the incessant sound wrrraaankk wwwrraaannnnkkk WWWRRRAAAANKKKK! Seriously, it was incessant.

The next day we walked a mile uphill ( by some freak of Talledega physics everywhere you go is uphill) to get back to the main strip. The army national guard, various hunting and fishing concerns and a major camping supply company had most of the booths available. Everything was on a serious discount. All of the tripod thingies I had lately been envious of were 40-50% off. I saw a $150 tent for $35. I gained pride by not buying it.

I did buy two pinewood derby kits, for SS and I to experiment on. That's a whole other thing. Dads get a little too into the whole pinewood experience. Well, I'll be fair. Some Dads do. Enough to make it a little scary.
I can see the draw. I do want to make a really cool car. So by now maybe some of you with scouting experience are wondering, where is the scouting experience? Where are the learning opportunities, the badges earned, the rest of the stuff that makes scouting scouting? Short answer: I didn't find it. I heard later that there were a few of those type activities going on. But I heard about them in the fight in the hallway rumor kind of way. "You didn't get that badge? They were just handing it out after your second mile uphill!"

I suppose I'm just a little taken aback at how far an old fashioned campout has gone. I spent about $150 as a money-spending skeptic, I really wanted to spend in the four to five hundred dollar range.

Welcome to scouting 2005!
*By portable we mean able to fit in a full size pickup truck and 8 foot trailer with no additional means neccessary.

Earth Advisory Board

2005-11-04T06:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's top 10 list of ways to destroy the Earth got me thinking. How would I know if the Earth had been destroyed while I slept? What if I went camping and missed out on the warning sirens, news coverage, etc? Luckily the same gentleman who came up with the list also heads the Earth Advisory board, which exists to monitor the Earth's destruction status. I have added a warning button in the buttons part of the sidebar that will turn red in the event of the Earth being destroyed. So if you're ever wondering whether we've all been annihilated or not you can check here.

Fractal Fingers

2005-11-03T11:55:00.000-08:00

LINK

Top 10 Ways to Destroy the Earth

2005-11-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

In case you find yourself with nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon.

LINK

Frustrated

2005-11-03T06:21:00.000-08:00

This is pissing me off. I've spent about an hour with it and have succeeded only in killing countless little men. Grrr. Thanks a lot AYNTK.

LINK

Step-son's First Blog

2005-11-01T17:48:00.000-08:00

The title is self-evident. I think it's educational...in some way or other. Here it is.

Directions

2005-11-01T12:55:00.000-08:00

Too fuzzy to read here, click on the map to see it better

Gimme a pill Doc, I feel the urge to move!

2005-11-01T05:29:00.000-08:00

Recently Wife and I have been very concerned about information released in the latest pill commercial on TV. Perhaps you've seen it. It purports to cure a hitherto unknown condition dubbed RLS, or Restless Leg Syndrome. What is it? How do I know I don't have it? What exactly is a "low risk" of side effects?

Well, thankfully Dr. Barbara Phillips of UK at Lexington has spent her valuable time and well-earned university dollars to conduct a study into this health epidemic. Of course, her results are preliminary, and she calls for more studies "to better define the diagnosis of restless leg syndrome." There is no need to study whether or not it is an actual condition, there is no doubt that it is. Right? Of course it is. Maybe. Dr. Phillips states ""RLS is probably not a single thing...A lot of things look the same but aren't the same."

Well, what is it, Doc? Do I have it? Does it hurt? Thankfully, the only pain sufferers can expect is that we all feel when we get up off the couch. "Patients describe their symptoms as more of an urge to move rather than actual pain, Phillips said. Sleep labs are not actually necessary to make a diagnosis of RLS, she added." Thank goodness I won't actually need to be tested to get my new drugs!

"This past summer, FDA approved the dopamine agonist ropinirole (Requip) as first-line therapy for RLS. Phillips predicts that other similar drugs will soon receive similar approval."

With a condition so clearly defined and well understood there must be a huge sample of otherwise healthy people suffering from RLS. For all you doubters out there I will have you know that there are very credible people genuinely suffering from the urge to move, in fact "people who suffer from restless leg syndrome (RLS) often have debilitating psychiatric disorders."

I still haven't seen anything that says I don't have it, after all, I feel the urge to move all the time. What are the risk factors, Doc? "Residents of the Southern and Western US had a higher risk of RLS than those living in the Northeast US. Other risk factors were heavy smoking, unemployment status, hypertension, gastroesophageal reflux disease, arthritis, diabetes, depression and anxiety." Oh, OK. I can see how those tie together.

I gotta go smoke a cigarette, I'm feeling a little anxious about my unemployment status.

LINK

Understanding Problems with Tom "Moof" Davies

2005-10-31T12:50:00.000-08:00

Moof: when you run into a problem
Moof: do you ever refer to the problem as "a real humdinger"
Moof: because I don't but I think I should start
Moof: it is only right
Livestock: when I was a young man
Livestock: when the salt of the sea was still as fresh a scent to me as that of hard work
Livestock: and when my pennies seemed to stretch for infinity
Livestock: and when the horizon was as boundless as my imagination
Livestock: a humdinger killed my family
Livestock: and ever since then
Livestock: no problem great or small
Livestock: has come close to being a humdinger
Moof: I am so sorry
Moof: about the humdinger

LINK

New Airline Safety Instructions

2005-10-31T12:01:00.000-08:00

I need a new game

2005-10-31T09:21:00.000-08:00

I pick up 3 year old Step-daughter (SD from now on) from day care every afternoon. It's a 20 minute drive back home. There are a lot of traffic lights between the two places. Last week we explored the previously hidden relationship between the color of the traffic lights and the movement of the car. ("See honey, the light is red, so I stop. When it turns green I get to go.") Being a genius child she picked up on the concept immediately and began warning me of impending red lights, sometimes 3 or 4 blocks away. Her warnings usually consist of "red! Red!RED! RRRRREEEEEEDDDD!!!" That was one thing.

At one such red light she pointed to it and screeched "GREEN LIE!" Of course it immediately turned green. And I, inexperienced as I am in the ways of three year olds, said "Look at that! You changed the light!" I know, I know. Of course, now the game is to actively change the color of the lights by telling them what color they should be. She has also discovered that if the red light in question doesn't hear her and change immediately the desired result can be obtained by raising the volume and frequency of the imperative statement ("GREEN LIE! GREEN LIE! GREENLIEGREENLIEGREENLIE!!!") The game is hilarious to SD, and very fulfilling, as we would never get home if she did not help me change the lights. I have successfully distracted her from the game, sometimes for 2 or 3 blocks, but we always return to it. I need a new game. Please.

Is it real or is it PC?

2005-10-31T07:42:00.000-08:00

This is the main background image off our corporate intranet site. I see it every day as I log into the apps I need for work. I never really paid too much attention to it as peppy happy workers tend to piss me off. And these people seem uniformly happy to be at work for the telecommunications juggernaut that keeps me gainfully employed. Today, however something struck me. Look at the photo and see if you can guess what it is, I'll give you a little time. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Got it yet? Where's the white guy? There's an african-american man, an asian man, two women (both white and blond by the way) and our main guy, who appears to be from India or the middle east somewhere. I feel a little left out.

Now I realize that many other groups are left out, most notably african-american women. And of course it is impossible to include every permutation of race and gender in a background intranet photo, or no one would ever get any work done, we'd just be sitting at our computers all day watching our politically correct all-inclusive page load. I am also not a Neandertal who has some sort of problem with other races/genders in the workplace. I firmly believe that people should be judged and hired according to their abilities.

It just seems to me that in the rush to prove that a company is non-biased and inclusive in its hiring practices some companies have gone a little overboard with their billboards of political correctness. I suppose it wouldn't bother me as much if the photo accurately depicted a cross-section of the people I actually work with. Now, I can't speak for the whole company, as I have not seen any kind of demographics on who works for the place as a whole. All I can offer is the anecdotal evidence of who else works in my row of cubes, and that is: four white males, one african-american male and five white females. Where's the asian? Where's the Indian? I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Cube-hopping for beginners

2005-10-28T11:36:00.000-07:00

This is where I work now. But this place looks busier than mine. My company recently moved half the jobs to a town three hours away, so a lot of the cubes in my building are empty.
Getting my cube set up was an adventure. I needed a phone headset thing, a hard plastic mat for my chair to roll on, basic office supplies, and oh yes a chair. I did not go see a facilities manager or some secretary who knows where everything is...nope, not me.
On the advice of my new neighbors I went cube-hopping. First stop, a chair.
Now this was not as easy as it sounded. I'm going to be spending 40 hours a week in this chair, it better be the best chair available. But the chairs are spread out with all the other jetsam from the great move in many separate cubes. I'd find one, test it for reclinability, general cleanliness, rollability and condition of the armrests. Finding one that I liked, I would take it in tow.
The thing about cube-hopping is that you can not trust that the drawers in an empty cube were also empty, who knew which innocent looking drawer face could be hiding a box of staples, some binder clips, or that most elusive of treasures: a block of post-it notes. Finding small goodies, I would pile them in my chair. Then I would come across a new chair that looked better than the one I had. I had to off-load all my goodies, subject both chairs to a sit test, make my decision, load up the winner and trundle off to the next cube. I went through this process at least 10 times before settling on a chair I liked.
Next: finding a phone. This proved to be very difficult as most of the transferred workers took their phones with them during the exodus. By the way, I work for a phone company. Nevertheless, the only phone I could find that worked and had the options I needed was labeled for a spanish speaker. I don't know much spanish, but I could guess that "manos libres" meant "handsfree." I was interested to learn that "espera" means "hold."
I found a headset for the phone and a co-worker made me proud saying "Ooh, that's one of the good ones!" Unfortunately there was no power cord. So now it's sits on my desk, useless for its designed function, but very useful for making others jealous because they don't have the good one, like me. Sometimes I put it on and talk business, interjecting comments about how comfortable it is, how clear the sound is, how convienient, etc.
They all envy me. My cube not only has all the best stuff, but the pictures of my wife and children show that they are clearly more attractive than co-workers families, Step-daughter's drawings show a genius that is not matched by any other offspring, and my computer has the best wallpaper on the row. The only drawback: I have no dry-erase board. This is a situation that must stop. I see the others smugly drawing circuit diagrams or writing little notes to each other on their whiteboards and I know they mock me, bound as I am to pen and paper. A couple of times one of them has stepped into my cube brandishing an expo marker and stopped short, saying "I was going to leave a funny note, but I forgot you don't have a whiteboard!" The audacity. The unmitigated gall. I must have a whiteboard. I'm going cube-hopping again. Maybe I missed one somewhere...

Dear Crackhead

2005-10-28T07:32:00.000-07:00

LINK

How Nerdy are you?

2005-10-27T13:01:00.000-07:00

Dude, where did you come from?

2005-10-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

Linguistics is a valuable field. Really.
Link